


Something's Cooking

by longhairshortfuse



Series: One Shot Wonders [7]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Cooking, Earl Harlan Week, Innuendo, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2015-05-11
Packaged: 2018-03-30 03:02:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3920482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/longhairshortfuse/pseuds/longhairshortfuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cecil hosts a special "Cooking Stuff with Earl Harlan" complete with phone-in.<br/>For Earl Harlan Week on tumblr.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something's Cooking

Cecil: Hello again listeners! Welcome back to the show from that sponsored message, whatever it was about. And whoever provided it, thank you for sponsoring my show and ensuring my continued employment! Ahem.  _Mi lassis la monon en la sakon malantau la dumpster._

Cecil: Um, yes. I assure you that your most loyal radio host will be at the helm of your most up to date, relevant news show for at least the next... while. Anyhoo, moving on, we have a special guest today! In what is becoming a regular feature of the show, please welcome local chef Earl Harlan! He’s here for a specially extended Cooking Stuff with Earl Harlan segment. Earl, what’s cooking today?

Earl: Well, Cecil, I thought I would share a lovely recipe for home-made hummus. As you know, sometimes listeners write in and... I got a letter!

Cecil: YOU got a letter? That is so… neat. Ooh have you got it with you? Can I see it? Can I? What did it say?

Earl: Ha ha! Slow down Ceece! I have it right here.

[Rustling sounds of unfolding paper]

Earl: Here we go. It says: Dear Chef Harlan.

Cecil: Isn't that adorable!

Earl: It's my name, Cecil! It says Dear Chef Harlan, I often listen to The Voice of Night Vale...

Cecil: Oh a fan! That's awesome! Hello whoever you are and thanks for listening! Maybe next time you could write **two** letters...

Earl: Ahem. I often listen to The Voice of Night Vale and I really love the Cooking Stuff with Earl Harlan segment. I made your tiramisu and my family has never been quite the same since.

Cecil: Oh that is so sweet. Isn't it great to know you touch people's lives in such a fundamental manner?

Earl: Indeed it is, Cecil, indeed it is. Anyway, he goes on, and on, and oh this is the bit. He says – please, if it's not too forward, can I ask you to teach Cecil how to make hummus.

Cecil: I know how to make hummus! I take it to all the PTA meetings with some carrot sticks and cucumber since the wheat ban. It’s really popular!

Earl: The letter says you get store bought and scrape it into a tub of your own. Look... here.

Cecil: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! I UTTERLY REJECT THAT BLATANT LIE!

Earl: He goes on to say that squeezing lemon juice over it at the last minute doesn't count.

Cecil: Who wrote that? Lemme see! Give it here. Earl, gimme that letter!

[Sounds of a scuffle]

Earl: Now, Cecil, let's be adults here... Ow! Cecil!

Cecil: STE-EE-EVE CARLSBERG! I HATE YOU, STEVE! YOU JERK!

Earl: Cecil, calm down. Cecil. CECIL! I WILL GO SCOUTMASTER ON YOUR ASS IF YOU DON'T CALM DOWN!

[Louder scuffling noises]

Cecil: [muffled] Oh! Oh, umm, sorry Earl. I assure you I am perfectly calm. You don’t have to keep sitting on me unless you want—

Earl: Good, okay! So I am going to show you how to make hummus. I’m sure your own recipe is just fine but this one is for people who want to start from scratch. There’s no handy, time-saving, corner-cutting for the lazy cook in this recipe!

Cecil: Great! Have you brought all the ingredients with you?

Earl: I'm always prepared, Cecil. First step is to catch your chickpeas. Get them while they are still young and tender, wild ones are best but make sure you have the right anti-venom in case you get bitten. One or two bites will itch but—

Cecil: I’ve heard a swarm can kill.

Earl: Yes, yes it can. So check your field first aid kit is up to date.

Cecil: Okay! So once you’ve captured enough chickpeas, you… what?

Earl: You know how to make hummus already Cecil! Why don’t you tell us?

Cecil: I couldn’t possibly reveal your secrets for you. My listeners want Cooking Stuff with Earl Harlan, not Cooking Stuff with ol’ Cecil!

Earl: You collect them in a jar and shake them until they stop bombarding the lid with jets of venom. Drain off the venom for use in another recipe. Put it in an ice cube tray, it freezes well but make sure you label it clearly.

Cecil: Ha ha! We don’t want any surprises after your brother in law, for example, drops in uninvited and you offer him your best Armagnac on the rocks!

Earl: No, no Cecil, we do NOT want anything like that to happen. We do NOT!

Cecil: I got it. Oh your chickpeas are all lying in a pool of their own venom. Can I have the venom to take home after the show, for… safekeeping, mmhmm? Or do you need it?

Earl: I think I will take it with me, Cecil. So you drain your chickpeas. Look out for any that LOOK OUT!

[Slapping noises]

Cecil: You got it! Wow, Earl, you have great reflexes. I thought I was going to have to spend the next three days scratching my—

Earl: I know, I know. Um, sorry about the mess on your… on your clothing. I’m sure it will sponge out.

Cecil: Maybe you can help me with that after the show.

Earl: Sure. So the chickpeas are all subdued enough now we can grind them up with some tahini. Make sure your tahini is well beaten to a glossy, slightly sticky texture. Check it has the right flavour and consistency, it should taste nutty and feel silky smooth but a little oily on your tongue. Cecil, put this in your mouth and tell me if you like it.

Cecil: [muffled] mmm that is lovely, Earl. Should I swallow?

Earl: If you like, Cecil.

Cecil: Not as salty as I expected.

Earl: No, salt comes later. Now we need to sauté some onion and garlic. Plenty of garlic.

Cecil: Oh you brought your camping stove! It’s gonna get hot in here soon.

[Hissing, popping noise]

Earl: Then put all the ingredients into a liquidiser and whizz them up with some lemon juice and extra oil and seasoning.

[Loud rumbling]

Cecil: [shouting] WHAT SEASONINGS DO YOU USE?

Earl: [shouting] WHY DON’T YOU TELL YOUR LISTENERS WHAT YOUR FAVORITE SEASONINGS ARE?

Cecil: [shouting but not loud enough to be heard]

[noise stops]

Cecil: …and more lemon juice, of course.

Earl: Sounds nice, Cecil. Want to taste this? It’s lovely when chilled and served with scorpion chips but you can suck it off—

Cecil: I could use a fork.

Earl: Use a finger. Just put it in and swirl it around. It’s a very sensual experience. Doesn’t it feel good?

Cecil: Oh! Uh, wow. That does feel good. Does this do anything for you?

Earl: Mmm oh yes. Very nice sensation. Makes me tingle with anticipation of putting it in my mouth. Really enhances the whole experience.

Cecil: Of food! Uh, of food.

Earl: Of course! Sorry, don’t know what came over me.

Cecil: Do you have any wipes? I’m a bit sticky now.

Earl: Yeah, here, prepared for anything.

Cecil: Thanks. And now we have a phone in! Call us if you have any questions for Chef Earl Harlan! Meanwhile, here is another message from our generous sponsor. _Ĉu vi prenis la monon tamen? Serioze, tiu estas la lasta fojo._

Earl: [fading out] Cecil, can I have my chickpea venom back, please? Don’t make me fight you for it, you know I always come out on top—

[Scuffling sound cut off by recorded message]

==============

Cecil: Welcome back listeners! Once again, thank you to our generous sponsor. _Vi ne povas ĉantaĝi min, mi ne havas sekretojn alia ol la ones mi konservos el mi mem._

Earl: Do we have any callers, Cecil?

Cecil: You bet we do, Earl! First caller please?

Caller: Hi, Hello there! Long-time listener here…

Earl: Hi! Do you have a question for me?

Cecil: NO NO NO! GET OFF THE LINE! NEXT CALLER!

Caller: But I have a question—

Cecil: GOODBYE!

Earl: Okay.

Cecil: Next caller, you’re on the air!

Caller: Hi Cecil!

Earl: [quietly] Oh good grief.

Cecil: Carlos? CARLOS! So great to hear from you!

Carlos: I miss your cooking, sweetie, but I must say Earl’s recipe sounds very enticing.

Earl: Thank you, I very much enjoyed sharing it with Cecil... ’s listeners.

Carlos: Um, so I had a question for Earl. I’ve been listening to the show, Earl, and I wanted to know if you have ever given Cecil private cooking lessons? You know, at home?

Cecil: Oh? Umm…

Earl: No, no I have not. I did offer.

Carlos: He enjoys it a lot, and when I was home we’d cook and eat almost every day. However tired or busy we were, we’d make the effort to come together in the kitchen. But I bet he doesn’t bother taking care of himself, you know, cooking on his own—

Cecil: Um, Carlos?

Carlos: —unless he’s starving. I’m really not okay with Earl cooking with you at home, Cecil.

Earl: What?

Cecil: Oh! O-o-oh.

Carlos: I really miss cooking with you, Ceece.

Cecil: I really miss cooking with you too, Carlos.

Earl: Are we still talking about Cooking Stuff with Earl Harlan? Because—

Cecil: This is a good time to talk about the [weather](http://youtu.be/5y_Kd9ZoA6Q)! _Mi ĵuras per la brilanta nubo Mi pasxtos viajn internaĵojn al mia kato._

======================

Earl: Welcome back to Cooking Stuff with Earl Harlan! Cecil had to pop out for a while but I’m sure he will be back any minute.

Earl: Aaany minute now.

Earl: But while he is away on important stuff, um, perhaps you would like another recipe? How about one from my days as scoutmaster? One of Cecil’s favourites. Hmm. He used to like a good spit-roast if there were enough of us to make it worthwhile. He would lick his lips in anticipation and—

[Sound of door opening]

Cecil: Thank you so much Earl! I am so sorry for my unprofessional behaviour. I had to go speak with Carlos in private. He talked me through a really nice recipe we can make on our own. So, Earl, what have I missed? You going to fill me in?

Earl: I was about to tell your listeners about how much we used to enjoy cooking at camp. All of us around the campfire, agreeing a recipe or just taking whatever we had in hand and experimenting.

Cecil: I… I have no memory of that.

Earl: You don’t remember choking on my spicy sausage that time out by Radon Canyon?

Cecil: n-n-no?

Earl: Or the first time we led a camp, me as scout leader and you as a fear scout under me?

Cecil: Nope. Anyway, we have both moved on from those times. Whenever they were.

Earl: Yes, we have.

Cecil: Well thank you again for coming on my show and cooking us up a treat! I hope I have you on the air again real soon.

Earl: Mmm looking forward to it already.

Cecil: As am I. Perhaps you could share your favourite recipe for scones. Back to our community minded sponsors. _ĝojas ni konsentas ke mi gardu mian laboron kaj vi tenas vian internajxon.  
_

**Author's Note:**

> Esperanto:
> 
> I left the money in a bag behind the dumpster  
> Have you taken the money yet? Seriously, this is the last time.  
> You can’t blackmail me, I have no secrets other than the ones I keep from myself.  
> I swear by the glowcloud, I will feed your entrails to my cat.  
> Glad we agree that I keep my job and you keep your bowels.


End file.
